Massage Envy

(I would like to dedicate this photo to Merianne)

About a year ago I was convinced that buying a membership at Massage Envy was the right thing to do...of course at the time I had just had a massage and was weakened by the dim lighting and hopped up on post-massage "sure, whatev's".  Since then I have lagged behind on my monthly massages.  So, seeing that I have approximately 6 days before my membership expires I decided that it was time to cram 1/2 a years worth of massages in.  So tonight I went in for a 90-minute rub down.

Tonight's therapis's name is the same as the only automobile manufacture ever purchased with taxpayer dollars by a US president...let me clarify that...the only automobile manufacturer every purchased with taxpayer dollars EVER...we didn't bail Duesenberg out during the Great Depression why did we bail...wait...I'm off topic.  Anyway I'm fairly certain that therapist "whose name rhymes with heavy" is the former president of the International Association of Dungeons and Dragon Enthusiasts.  Which was spectacular because I'm pretty sure that it's NOT against a church rule to have a socially awkward straight guy touch you while you're naked.  I can assume that he's straight because I was not even remotely attracted to him..that's generally a pretty good sign. 


Now there are a few things I consider in depth every time I get a massage:
1.  Full leg shave or just to the knee?
2.  Black or colored underwear?
3.  Fruity or flowery body spray?

And the thing I fret about the most:  how do I comfortably lay on my boobs for an hour without them going numb.  I assume many of you have never considered that this could be a HUGE problem, but it is.  See, I inherited two very obvious things from my mother:  a razor sharp wit, and more boobs than a single person will ever need.  I've learned how to manage them in most situations but massages always complicates things.  For instance, if I lay on them wrong they hurt.  And it's really difficult to  nonchalantly reposition your boob(s) in the middle of a massage.  Also, the fact that I'm laying on them at all just makes my upper back seem a lot more hunchback than it really is.  And I have more than a handful (not that anyone is checking ) of extra boobage, which means when I'm laying down parts of the girls squish out the sides. 

Boobs.  What to do with them?  Well I'll tell you what I do with them...after the therapist leaves I'll frantically rip my clothes off and crawl under the sheet...then I'll spend every last second before the therapist knocks on the door to come in positioning and repositioning them until I think I have them situated.  This generally goes something like this:  rise into an armless cobra pose, slowly lower upper body towards the table, pray that both boobs are symmetrically positioned below your body...quickly raise back into an armless cobra pose because inevitably one was squished towards your chin while the other was bulging out towards your left arm...then repeat...again...and again...and again.

It's A LOT of work to get those suckers lined up just right, and you want to get them right because as soon as the knock on the door comes you're stuck in whatever face down position you happened to be in.  It's sort of like musical chairs only you're the only player and no matter what you do, you're going to lose.

Boobs...my longest running love/hate relationship.