31 December 2012

Tsk, Tsk, Tsk

Oh 2012.  I had high hopes for you.  You lived up to them for the first few months but somewhere around the middle you became 2008 and 2011 all over again.  Heartache, cancer, stress, mess...you were a doozer.  Will I miss you?  Yes, parts of you.  But I'll be glad to see the rest of you go. 

May 2013 bring my family less heartache, no cancer, and a bouncing baby boy!

14 December 2012

And Then the Rains Came

It was June.
The most tragic things always happen in June.
It was hot and sticky on the bank of the Mississippi.
It was there that I read it.
There that he said it.
Said 2% of me was unlovable.
And two percent was all it took.

I sat in my car for an hour
Racked with sorrow
and the horror of knowing,
knowing what my 2%
represented to him.

I screamed
and heaved
then puked
the anguish of one being placed
on the shelf next to the perpetrator.
I felt guilt
for sins I never committed.

I went home
numb and collapsing
within myself.
Did he know?
Did he know how much I too
hate the 2%?
Hate what it means?
Hate how it makes me unlovable
to him,
to my past,
to my future.

I wanted to tell him.
Tell him I was sorry.
Sorry for what the 2% meant.
What the 2% represented.
I wanted to understand
and be understood.

But the wound was old,
and deep
and he took no care when he
struck me in the one place
that had never healed.

The next morning was grey and pouring rain.
I stood on the deck in my pajamas
and cried with the storm
until the storm was all cried out.
And then I cried some more.

I wish I could say half a year later
that the thought of having my loveability
parceled out in percentage points
didn't still tear me apart.
Didn't still bring a crashing wave of burning
embarrassment and shame.
Didn't fill me with the kind of horror
that makes me feel 8.

But it does.
And it's awful.
It's a demon that's taken shelter
in my broken and fragile heart.
At times I find myself screaming,
inside my head
inside my chest
inside my heart.
My soul is tormented.
Tormented that it didn't just happen once
It happened twice.
And there's no promise it won't happen again.

So, I tell myself,
stay silent,
stay quiet,
stay still.
Let the ghosts and the nightmares
rage, as they will,
and pretend it never was.
Pretend you didn't allow yourself
to foolishly slink into vulnerability.


But remember that often the things we hate in others
is the exact thing we hate within ourselves.

12 December 2012

My LIfe of Late

It has been a frikin' zombie apocolypse over here in Carrieland.  Dead things just keep arising. 

That being said, I thought I'd do a brief catch up based on the Zombieland rules (although they are not brought to you by Twinkies...may Hostess rest in peace).

1.  Cardio
My running spree was hijacked by a massive sinus infection/cold...just when I was about to tie on the shoes and get back on track karma took me down again (see #18)

2.  Double Tap
Wiser words have never been said...even then they still come back.

3.  Beware of bathrooms
Today I found out that my building on campus is haunted...by old ladies...in the home economics department.  My classmate said, "haven't you noticed how creepy the bathrooms are?".  To which I replied, "I will now".   Jeepers, as if the U of MN wasn't bad enough...now there are geriatric ghosts in the mix?  Eek!

4.  Seatbelts
I don't know if you heard but we had a "snowpocolypse"/"snowmagedon" this past weekend.  That meant my 1 hour daily commute turned into 5.  FIVE.  I guess plowing the roads wasn't on the state's priority list this year.

7.  Travel light
One more week and I'll be home.  I'll be working my ass off on school stuff, but I'll have a nice change of scenery...I can hardly wait.

17.  Don't be a hero
B's get degrees...they may not get funded...but they can still get the hell out of dodge.

18.  Limber up
Yo.  Stress kills.  Mid day Saturday my neck/shoulders/upper back seized.  Like totally and completely cramped up.  I could barely move for three days.  What can one do but laugh.

22.  When in doubt, know your way out
I'm still working on this one...so many places so little time.  

31.  Check the back seat
Or at least don't leave your trunk open...because your car battery dies and then you have to have multiple people give you a jump so you can take it to get a new battery...where the auto guys will have to chisel the old corroded one out...thus damaging the battery cables...which cost an insane amount to replace.  7 hours of my life I'll never get back.

32.  Enjoy the little things
Like throwing snowballs at stop signs with your classmates.  Highlight of my week!  (and if any of you have ever seen me attempt to throw something you know it was also the highlight of everyone's week...I'm pathetic)

05 December 2012

The Horror, The Horror

Want to know what I need?  A vagenius (a.k.a a lesbian gynecologist).  Why you may ask?  Because I may or may not have lost a tampon in my very own Bermuda Triangle.  Now I usually don't talk about my lady parts in public, but I've been silently freaking out for over a week.

Over a week?  You say.

Yepper...over a week.

See, somewhere between throwing up in the middle of the sidewalk on campus and mixing four different drug classifications I remember putting in a tampon.  However, I don't remember ever taking it out.  Now, as far as I know my vagina is not known for consuming things.  In fact I'm pretty sure it's clueless when it comes to any kind of occupy movement.  It's a solitary sister.  A member's only club...with no members.  You get the point...

I finally approached a friend about it a couple of days ago.  I know I'm not the only one who may have lost a cotton boyfriend.  She assured me that it happens to everyone.  So I approached another friend...who proceeded to tell me that she often forgets she has a tampon in...and has been known to insert a second when there's already a first.

Whaaaaa?  How does one fit two tampons in at a time?

I imagine them lined up like two tiny soldiers in a foxhole.  Shoulder-to-shoulder with very little breathing space. 

That's a lot of strings.  Kind of reminds me of a pinata for some strange reason....anyway...

Friend one reminded me that tampons notoriously shoot out at various times.  Like during a vigorous cough or sneeze, or even during routine bathroom events.  So, she suggested, it may have dislodged and evacuated without me consciously knowing.

Dear creator of the universe I hope so.

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "just dig around a little and see if you find it".  And to that I say, "good girls don't dig down there".  Other's might be thinking, "grab a mirror and look"...uh...true confession...I don't know what it looks like on a normal day, there's no way I'm going to know what it looks like on an abnormal day.

So I'm just going to wait until something drastic happens.  Like something starts rotting in Denmark, or I suddenly kill over dead or start seizing and spike a high fever.

I'm just going to have to wait.

And if I end up on an episode of The Monster Inside of Me you'll know what happened.  I mean, it's not like I didn't know.  Way back in 1996 when I took winter camping at Rick's college they told me over and over and over again, "cotton kills".  Folks, it just might.

Thank you for letting me share my pubic panic publicly (I couldn't resist that alliteration).   Sometimes I just need to announce my concern.  I'm one of those people who believes that if I think the worst, the worst won't happen.

P.S.  I woke up this morning and my roommate's cat had pooped on my computer...too bad I didn't preemptively think about that.  Things are x-tra awesome over her at the House of C.

02 December 2012

One Helluva Holiday

Thanksgiving has been at the top of my "holidays I hate" list for the last 30+ years.  In fact, it's the only holiday on that list.  Ya'll can say what you want, it's just a holiday with a lot of bad, and I mean BAD, karma behind it.

This year I decided to take my hate, and bad karma, on over to DC so I could share it with Mer and the gang.  Let me just say...a fine time was had by all...mostly in the ER, because that's how well T-day 2012 went.  Mind you, my ailments did not warrant a trip to the ER but between sick babies and my bestie's bloody spouse...well, the Jensen's met their medical deductible.  But in between the coughing, fevers, congestion, and whatever it was that resulted in Dan losing 10 lbs of blood and other bodily fluids I did have a fantastic time.  I love Mer and her family.  And Topher and Jillian and in utero baby H came for a visit.  It was fabulous.

Hours after my arrival I was put on "boy duty" while Mer took Ems to the hospital.  David and I worked on his facial expressions...he basically has one face...but it works for Kirsten Stewart, I don't see why it won't work for him as well.
 Before I caught whatever it was that sent me into a fevered hot mess, I spent a lot of time running...and it was glorious.  I ran and I ran HARD...until I didn't...because I'm easily distracted and had to keep stopping to take pictures of things I found along the way.

Like this leaf
 And fungi
 And this AWESOME big log I spent a good 10 minutes walking up and down.
And how can one not stop and marvel at moss?  It reminds me of the carpet that was in Topher's room growing up.
 And well, the sun was doing all sorts of famazing things.
I was pretty excited about what nature had to offer so I ran back to the house to pick up David so he could explore with me.
He did not find the log as cool as I did.   Truth be known he was more interested in stretching (the kid is pretty flexible)
And while Mer had warned me that 2.5 miles was going to be too long for a 3-year-old I didn't believe her...until I ended up carrying him on my shoulders for 1.5 of those miles. 
 He did love finding holes in trees and wiggling himself in them.
But what he loved the most, and what we spent a good hour doing, was this...
Yep, he was bound and determined to take all of the leaves off of all of the trees...that's a lofty goal when you're wandering through the forest.  After about 10 minutes I joined in to help and it was actually really cathartic.  So we beat up trees for an hour, until both of our sticks broke and we moved on...to the playground. 
The playground was packed with kids but David wanted to swing.  So I was pushing him and he was having a blast when all of a sudden he points up at the moon and says, "Look, a half moon".  I looked up and sure enough, it was a half moon.  He then says, "my favorite moon is the crescent moon".  

Now, I have a lot of friends with kids.  And all of those friends will tell me that their kid is the brightest thing to hit the earth since Einstein.  I usually just smile as if agreeing but in my mind I always think, "your kid is an idiot compared to David".  David is insanely bright, he always has been.  So, being the proud auntie at the park I wanted to make all of the other mothers in the park question the intelligence of their child.  So I said, "David, the crescent moon is lovely.  Now, what's your favorite planet?".  "Jupiter"  he answered.  "And why do you love Jupiter?" I said, looking directly at the mom pushing her kid in the swing next to us.  "Because it has a lot of moons" he said.  I smiled at the mom next to me.  "Yes, it does have a lot of moons doesn't it".  "Yep" he said.  I looked looked over at the mom and gave her a nod, as if to say, "don't feel bad your kid is dumb, they can't all be like mine".

After that David and I made our way home...but not before Mr. Brilliant insisted on walking up the stairs like an ape.
I mean, he is 3.

The next morning he put on a scary "mask" to scare me...
I love that kid.

I also love his little sister, because she is a productive little squirt.  Give her a phone book and five minutes and this...
Becomes this...
So much fun.

...I realize I'm missing pics of Thomas...and Mer...and Dan..and Topher...and Jillian...and the baby bump that is my nephew...

Next time. 

I didn't always wake from sleep screaming
covered in sweat
and tears
aspirating and gulping for air

I didn't always wake drowning in fear
confused by nightmares
and reality
and the blur between the two

I didn't

I didn't always have to take drugs
to bypass the monsters
waiting to accost me
in the state of paralyzed dream

But now I do
Because dead things don't remain dead
They haunt me at night
and seep into my days

Nightmares are no longer just at night.
They walk besides me under the sun
permanant fixtures
Atomic shadows

01 December 2012

This Semester's Drug

Music is my drug, my love, my savior...and this semester belongs to Muse.