06 June 2015
Two people just walked by the library window. So downward turned were their faces that their heads and necks formed right angles. I watched them walk, their sadness/melancholy/energy so heavy I could feel it 20 feet away through the plated glass. Behind them the wind blew the trees and prairie grass. And in the middle, a stalwart weed, flowering yellow, cheerfully swayed, not knowing that in the eyes of man, weeds are worthless. Yet the people, full of infinite worth and possibility hung heavy, as if they were weeds. But maybe weeds are what we need to become, unknowing, uncaring, undaunted by what others think. Open to swaying in the wind, proudly displaying our innate and imperfect beauty. Faces lifted up, absorbing the sun.
03 February 2015
I'm coming to terms with the fact that learning about oneself is a lifelong discovery. And while we think we're being honest with ourselves, I question just how honest we really are. I would argue that the easiest person to lie to is yourself. I don't care how solid you may think you are, we are all living little lies on a daily basis. After three* arduous years of forcing myself to live a very inauthentic dream I have learned all sorts of things about myself, and I'm coming to terms with the self-told lies that led me here. The more I look for the
- I do not like chicken, in fact I almost hate chicken. It's bland. It's stringy. It's gross. The only exception is if it's breaded and covered in buffalo wing sauce. Then bring it on.
- I do not need 12 pounds of any fruit. Yes, it's cheaper when you buy it in bulk, but I will never be able to consume 15 pears before they go bad. Never.
- I hate running. Hate it. It hurts. I've tried. I've done marathons and relays and a bunch of other races and it's just not fun. I admire runners. I do. I wanted to be one. But I'm not and I'm growing more and more ok with that. This year I make peace with running.
- I'm awkward. I just am. Sometimes it's endearing, sometimes it's annoying, and sometimes, it's just plain awkward.
- I have food issues, lots of them.
- I'm clumsy.
- Strange things happen to me. Homeless man needing CPR? I'll be the one giving it. Freak bungee cord accident? Yep, me. Shut your coat in the trunk while you're still wearing it and can't move? All me.
- I'm petrified of spiders, large bugs, and snakes. I go catatonic when I see them. Something in me snaps, hindering my ability to talk or act rationally. Maybe you understand that, maybe you don't. But I'm not paying for the therapy to work through it.
- I bite my lips when I'm nervous, or insecure...I'm nervous and insecure a lot.
- I am ridiculously lost in life, perpetually lost.
- I'm not good at relationships, ones that really matter anyway.
- I am personified fear.
- I no longer know what way is up or down.
- I will probably never figure it out.
- I have the same wish today that I had when I was 7.