17 May 2016

Birds, Corners, and Depression

The post I started in June 2015:

As I went to leave this morning I discovered a frantic bird trapped in my garage.

He was panicked.  His heart visibly beating in his chest.  His wings drenched with sweat.  

I spent 20 minutes talking with him.  Pointing out how smart and strong he was, but how he was using his skills in the wrong environment.  "You have to fly lower if you want to get out of that big open door", I kept saying.  He was perched as high as he could get in the corner of the garage, his face almost pressed into the ceiling.  "Look, I get you're use to thinking in terms of up, but if you want to find happiness you'll need to open up your mind to the idea of going down for a bit.  You can't see what's really available to you, because you're looking at the problem too closely".  We engaged, back and forth with him frantically flying, then stopping, heart beating visibly in his chest.  "I get it little bird.  I get it.  I'm just as trapped and panicked as you are.  I've been operating in an environment that isn't healthy for me for a long, long time.  I've been trying to make it work, make me work, but the reality is, I'm stuck in a corner, staring at the ceiling, and wondering why it doesn't feel right."

The post I'm starting today:

I'm still like that bird, only instead of up, I'm down.  Way, way down.  More down than I've been in years.  I realize it doesn't matter what corner I stare at, be it the high or the low one, I'm still just staring.  Still frantic.  Still panicked.  And it doesn't feel right.  Depression makes it so nothing feels right.  Nothing.  I'm like that bird, stuck.  I'm looking at the problems...all of the problems, too closely.  They are all I can see.

The bird got out.

Hopefully one day I will get out too.

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